Back 21 years ago I lost my only chance for a baby. For the first year afterwards I was in shock and didn't know I had lost our baby. I had scant memories but all muddled and in shards of disjointed flashbacks. Still today I only remember some of what happened. I nearly didn't make it myself, so a harrowing experience.
I found out by accident a year on and then had to go through the mourning. My heart will always go to Tony as he had to mourn on his own for a whole year. He never let on. When I did remember he was glad as he was worried I wasn't mourning such a huge loss and a buried trauma. It was very difficult for him. I wanted children but he passionately wanted them. So this only chance, which was an accident, cut deeply as we knew we'd have to try harder not to conceive.
Years before, when I lost my kidneys and got a transplant, we were told we were to forget about having children, just be grateful for what we have. Tony left me on the hospital bed heartbroken. He didn't leave though without saying that if this is the way it is to be then if he had to choose it would be to keep me.
It's been difficult as not having children resulted in being called horrible names, such as child hater, tore into my very being. They hurt as each time an asshole of a woman would say hurtful things brought the whole ordeal right back into my face to deal with again.
Trauma is a huge hurdle to overcome and manage as it can have a huge effect on your success in dealing with your peri menopause and post menopause journey.
On that note I want to send a HUGE THANK YOU to Laura @quaintbaby_ultrasoundart. As my birthday present in June my present from Tony was a painting by Laura to celebrate Josh (the name I called our little bundle).
What I love about Laura's approach is you are along for the ride as she lovingly paints the different layers. It was a difficult process for me as the shock, hurt and pain came up once again. Laura is kind and open to all the many changes as we had a vision that took time to come forth. I love this painting and at long last we are at peace with our loss. This painting warms my heart and I smile each time I pass it in the sitting room. Tony is the same.
Thanks so much Laura:)