Navigating post menopause: embracing life after grief of childlessness
As World Childless Week is fast approaching, starting 16th September, I thought it's the perfect time to share my journey on the less travelled path of childlessness. I'll also show how I triumphed over grief, found my way, a huge thanks to my hubby, and provide some useful supports to get your started on triumphing on your childless journey in post menopause.
My childless and post menopause story
Landing in post-menopause at 43 brought back the trauma of losing our only chance to have a child in 2000.
As is always the case in my life I had been trying to get answers from the medical profession as to why I felt so ill and could barely function. The response as usual was to be fobbed off with it’s just stress or my symptoms blamed on my chronic illness. I take steps to manage stress and be as resilient as I can be, given the circumstances. These days and even back then there are very few people who aren't dealing with the everyday stressors of life or worse. As for my illness, I know Ii know it is just a part of me and don't accept that every symptom should be caused by it as it was often blamed along with stress.
I found over the decades that, it’s the least effort option for the medical profession. I tried in vain to have the general practitioner look beyond stress and my chronic illness. I wish I had succeeded. A similar approach happened when I lost my kidneys. The idiot GP took my money each visit and kept telling me it was only my menses. I started them when I was nine years old, so in my twenties, I knew very well that these symptoms were different. In the end he basically told me if I was so worried to go out to the local hospital and beg them to get an X-ray done. The woman on reception could see I was ill. She arranged one quickly. I was in Dublin within 2 days and put on dialysis. My kidneys were failing. I only had a few days before I’d have died. The failure to look after me even adequately as they take my money has continued.
Roll on to 2000 and I was very ill again. Once more it was put down to the usual suspects. One night I woke bent over in fierce pain and felt so ill. To cut the gory details out I held the red mass, that looked like a rugby ball in my hands. It was our baby.
I didn’t realise I’d lost so much blood. It was only when I tried to get up from the floor that I could barely stand. I don’t know if I collapsed or fell asleep. When I woke up I cried out to Tony and he helped me down the stairs. We then called for an ambulance. They brought me to the nearest hospital. Tony nearly lost me that day too. We hadn’t known I was pregnant. We didn’t experience the joy and anticipation of that time. Years previously when I lost my kidneys and received a kidney transplant, we were told to be grateful for what we had, but not to try for a child. It would put too much pressure on the kidney. The child would have jaundice and I’d more than likely lose my transplant kidney. I’d seen in hospital the heartache all that caused to others. All that information was enough alone not to try for a child. So, what should’ve been an accidental joy came to a head in the most gruesome and painful way.
It's now 24 years ago since that loss of our only chance to have a baby of our own.
For the first year afterwards, I was in shock and didn't know I’d had a miscarriage. I had scant memories but they were all muddled up and in shards of disjointed flashbacks. Still today I only remember some of what happened. The doctors had worked furiously that day to keep me alive before I could get blood transfusions, I nearly didn't make it myself, so a harrowing experience. I found out by accident a year on and then had to go through the grieving process. My heart will always go to Tony as he had to grieve on his own for a whole year. He never let on. He had seen how ill I was and couldn’t bear to cause me more suffering.
When I did remember, thanks to spotting it on my medical charts a year later. I was given the chart to bring around to a few appointments in the hospital one day. What else would you do in the hours intervening but have a look through it. I was glad to get home and see my hubby that night. When I told him he spilled out of the heartache of it all. I wanted children but he passionately wanted them. I couldn’t have loved him more. He takes on so much on his shoulders.
Missing support
We received no support, compassion or help, except to have a coil inserted, which popped out a while later. We also knew we'd have to try even harder not to conceive. What a heartache for two people who so wanted their own children and watch them grow up.
Those years before, when I lost my kidneys and got a transplant, we were told we were to forget about having children, just be grateful for what we have. Both of us were heartbroken, while dealing with my major illness. Tony hugged me on one of his hospital visits to me and said if he had to choose it would be to keep me. I had no choice in the decision but he could've left. I couldn’t love him more for his steadfast loyalty and love for staying. He could easily have left to find a partner to have children with.
Acknowledging the pain and journey through menopause
It took us a year to find a way through the pain and move on. That didn’t mean we forgot, nor the trauma went away. We lit a candle one night, played music and cried our eyes out until we had no more tears left, hugging each other. We spoke out about the heartache. It eased the pain enough to be able to move on over the coming months.
It is difficult task to find a way though this, especially in a society that only values younger people and families with children. In a world where we are consistently bombarded with inclusivity messages it’s frustrating that childless people are excluded. Our governments and parliament generally talk about families. There is never a mention of the value of childless people. They certainly know where to find us for the unjust taxes, while families get extra tax back in various forms.
Considering there is approximately 18-20% of childless women in the world I find it massively discriminating and unjust.
Navigating the Complexities of Grief and Menopause:
As the years passed and I moved into post menopause, the grief of losing our child took on new dimensions. This transition served as a reminder of the loss, which never goes away.
There are always milestones in a couple’s time like the children going to college, or move out to work at home or abroad. They becoming empty nesters. It could be when their children get married or live with their chosen one, they want to be alive to watch grandchildren grow up. We’ll have none of that. Sometimes we get caught in a conversation that is all about other couple’s children. If it looks like they won’t go off topic for the rest of the time, we usually excuse ourselves as it’s too hurtful. These milestones that couples usually look forward to only serve as poignant reminders of what might have been for us.
It is a huge loss not having the children you wanted. The physical and emotional trauma take their toll. It’s one we’ve worked hard not to let curb our joy of life, most of the time anyway.
Rebuilding and Finding Joy Again
We’ve found a way through the heartache that childlessness brings and heal, even if we never forget. We’ve created a life we love. Our life is one we are proud of rebuilding and finding joy again. It wasn't our plan, so we changed to a new plan. Our life is filled with purpose. Yes, there is so much more we want to do, achieve and get. We appreciate what we have and have made a childless life that is loving, warm, cosy, energising and one to be proud of.
Honouring Our Journey
One support we were compelled to do happened a few years ago. We commissioned a painting of our hands holding our miscarried baby as it went to the universe. The relief that this has brought us is intense. I think having something to remember him raised joy in our hearts. It was a huge sadness lifted, which we didn’t realise was still in us. This painting of Josh is a beautiful way of keeping his memory alive. This is hugely important to us.
Remember, being a mother is only a possibility in a woman’s life – life gives us no guarantees
Like my kidney issues, not being able to bring up a child is a part of who we are. It is not our whole. It is incumbent on us to create a life we love and not put ourselves in the path to feel less than others. We did not choose a path together without children. It wasn't our path to follow the norm. We find if people don’t have respect for our feelings then we push them away. Life is too short not to. Jody Day of Gateway women (link below) lists 52 of the possible reasons you may not have been able to have children. It’s worth a read. It is heartening that there are so many reasons for being childless. I find you don't feel so alone.
Navigating childlessness
As World Childless Week (16-22 September 2024) approaches I hope you realise how brave we are in a world that places more value on women with children. I am reminded that this is not a journey to do alone. We had to, but now there are are supports available, memberships, books, and more to help us come to terms and create a life that is joyous and loving.
As you can see from my story above, grieving, working through the pain, working through the loss are often necessary to help you to find a path through and thrive and life a joyful and interesting childless life. So if that means speaking to a counsellor then do so. I did try to find one but any I went to early on just told me to be grateful I had a husband!
You are valuable and brave as a childless woman
If you are childless you know well that you do have a stake in the country you live in. You’ve set up roots, you work, you create value. This makes you brave, strong and very worthy as you create your life on the less travelled path of “no children included”.
You may or may not have cats.
If I had room I’d be a dog person, cats run from me so I know I’ll never fit the persona that some with children believe we are. I hope that brings a smile to your face.
You have to build a thick skin.
Tony’s strong and steady support helped me deal with remarks such as “you hate children”, the exclusion by other women because of my childlessness, aw sure I could write a few blogs on those hurtful times. I didn’t have the skills to deal with it as I was mourning the loss of not having children. I hope it won’t take you as long to learn your worth and choose wisely who you spend your valuable time with.
Empower Yourself and the importance of Support
I’m reminded too as childless week approaches of the importance of connection with others who have similar stories, the importance of community to understand, share our stories along this path less travelled of the child free zone. Even to hold space for other’s as they share their stories.
This year I intend to join in more and participate in some way during childless week. I hope to find a renewed sense of purpose and embrace my life for all it’s worth. even more. I've been ill and it shakes you.
This week is a chance for a feeling of inclusivity and connection to ease any hurt and find peace. It’s vital to build a support system of others who share the same interests and value your contribution. This helps you navigate through the path less travelled of childlessness easier and more fun, especially if you are struggling. Although we get bombarded with the importance of inclusivity, it doesn’t appear, to me anyway, that it stretches to childless people or older generations. I would like to be incorrect on that one.
Supports I know about to get you started.
World Childless Week (16-22 September 2024)
You’ll find a ton of various resources on this website to help you find a local community, stories and more. “It is here to support those who have felt the heartbreak of knowing they will be childless for life”.
Run by Jody Day “explore the many ways Gateway Women can support to make peace with the life you didn’t choose”
It really means can’t have children. This list opened my eyes to the varied ways circumstance gets in the way of our chance for children.
Books:
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Confessions of a forty-something f##k up by Alexandra Potter
This is an hilarious yet heart warming read.
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Living the life unexpected by Jody Day
“How to find hope, meaning and a fulfilling future without children”
I wish I could say I’ve read this book. I’ve promised myself to read three chapter this Childless Week, so we’ll see. It look an insightful book but I find myself skimming it and reading pages that I land on. Very useful pages, but I need to delve more into it.
Gratitude:
I’ll finish with how grateful I am that I found my way through. I’ve learnt to accept that this is my journey. With the support of my insanely steadfast and awesome husband. He has been my rock while coming to terms with his own loss of not having children. He made the bravest of choices to choose love over his burning desire to have a family with children. I love him to bits and am forever grateful to him.
What's next?
I do hope that you find some solace in these words and that it empowers you to find the supports you deserve to create a wondrous life on your path less travelled of childlessness.
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